Laura's Friday Presentation

Sleepless Nights

Up late again, my head is buzzing with a million thoughts running through, but not one
that is very clear. The baby mobile is playing twinkle, twinkle, little star. The ceiling
fan is whirling above my head lending a gentle breeze that feels good as I try to pull my
thoughts together. I am trying to write about an experience, a memory of my past, but
I can not concentrate because I am also trying to get my tiny, little five month old baby
boy to fall asleep. He keeps stirring in his crib, getting stuck in a corner of the bumper
as he attempts to master rolling over. I get up from my comfortable little corner of my
bed that I like to write on to soothe him, hold him, and replace his pacifier that fell out
of his mouth. I then return to my bed to try to begin something, anything! But, I am
interrupted once more as my baby begins to cry because he is annoyed with the light of
my bedroom that we share. At the moment, this is the only space that I can retreat to for
a moment of some sort of silence and reflection because downstairs, my two year old
is running around with his daddy way past his bedtime. His schedule is off because he
normally only goes to sleep when I go to bed. I try to stay calm and relaxed while trying
to get my work completed, but I also feel a slow, but great amount of pressure building
up inside of me. I am feeling overwhelmed, tired, and guilty. I often feel that I am being
pulled in several directions.

Being a mother is very significant to me; being an excellent mother that is. It is what
I have always desired since I was a young girl. I often imagined what motherhood felt
like. It took a long time for me to become a mother. It wasn’t easy. Three years of
unexplained infertility. Years of fertility treatments with numerous doctor appointments,
self-administered needle injections, uncomfortable speculum insertions, and then the
devastating miscarriages. But, I was willing to do anything and pay anything to have a
healthy baby. I finally was successful and gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, Liam.
The world stopped for a moment as we exchanged glances. I then proclaimed to all the
doctors, nurses, and my husband standing around me in the operation room, that “He is
MY baby!” I was so happy in that moment. I succeeded in achieving one of my dreams.

Two years later, I gave birth to my second sweet boy, Landon whose smile melts my
heart every day. This is the one that now stirs in his crib, aching to fall asleep. Thoughts
of anxiety and guilt flood my mind because of the steady reminder that being a mother
is not enough. I was taught from an early age that having a career, a purpose outside of
the home is what is valued. I need to prove not only to myself, but to others that I am
capable of thinking, working and contributing to not only by household income, but also
to the progress of our society. So, I find myself compressing in as much as I can into
each day to fulfill all of my duties as a student, teacher, wife, and mother which leaves
me ultimately with many sleepless nights.